ANALYSIS OF POST LOSS OF MY WIFE.

Analyzing my wife's passing and it's affect on my heart.

I know, that is a mouth full. You have to be wondering what I am talking about?

Well, I'll tell you; this month of "December" is especially hard on me, even though it has been 4 years since Claudia passed on. I am feeling very depressed.

As a side note my daughter is also having similar depression issues. In her case I'm fairly sure it is a combination of job pressures, her children now entering their teens, some serious health issues, and the fact that this is Claudia's favorite Holiday period.

In my case, I have been doing everything I can to remain upbeat, positive, and outgoing, for the last 4 years. I have always been a believer in God, and have attended and taken part in conducting the business of the Church I attend. So as part of my therapy I have been going to the Town Center Community Church in Kennesaw. I have also been attending the Monday night Men's Bible Study Class. Both of these activities have been a help to me.

Further, I also pray to God each morning and evening, thanking him for allowing me to continue living here on earth. I don't talk about it very often, but I have had three near death episodes. In each one God said to me, "Vic you aren't finished doing what you need to do on earth, so back you go." My first episode occurred when I was only 19 years old. I have to tell you that I have had many, many close calls in my life both in and out of the military. In fact my second episode occurred when I was about 38 years old, and the last one when I was 62 years old.

The next question you might ask is; What is it I'm supposed to be doing right now. Well! I can tell you I don't really know. But I'm sure I will find out at some point in time.

Of Late! I have been trying to figure out how to meet eligible women that I could possibly date. I'm not sure about marrying anybody right now, but I could sure use a female companion to help open and keep my heart expanded. I have looked around at church at the women there but am not having any luck at all. I don't visit bars, so that doesn't count. I have looked into joining an online meet and match website, but the cost gets to be rather much.

I guess the question remains, how do I find and meet a nice lady that I could maybe date? Of course it would be nice if she was a rich widow.

That is the big question.

"(C) Copyright by Victor Winebrenner"

Follow up on coming out of the doldrums.

Coming out of the Doldrums, a follow up from last month.

Last month I talked about depression and determining why I was so depressed and couldn't pull myself out of it.

As a reminder, I looked into my medications and discovered that one of them, used for reducing my blood pressure, had a major side affect causing severe depression.

As I mentioned last month, with the OK of my doctor, I cut the dosage in half and Wow, what a difference. I don't feel like I am in the bottom of a well, full of water, with no way out. The change in how I feel is really significant.

At the doctor's request, I have been keeping a log of my blood pressure, and yes it is running higher then it should, but I am not feeling any deleterious affects from this change.

Yes! I know that long term elevated blood pressure can cause some serious health problems, including aneurysms, heart failure, etc. So I will be discussing this issue further with the doctor. There has got to be something else that can be done to keep my blood pressure down. "I know one thing that would help, decapitate all of the Republicans in Washington DC." Then bring in representatives that will actually listen to their constituents.

On another medical issue, my artificial hip is still unstable, and I have to very careful how I move, and how I get up and down. I am working on getting clearances from my various doctors so that the orthopedic will operate. He, the orthopedic doctor, is talking about replacing the existing ball joint with a ball within a ball joint, which will help keep it locked into the hip better, because of the larger diameter.

We shall see.

In the meantime, I will accept all prayers and sympathy that I can get.

Blessings to one and all from the gahillbilly.  .  

"(C) Copyright by Victor Winebrenner"

Just thinking.

You know, I now live alone, and currently do a lot of reading, watching tv, and not doing much else. Yes! I do a little cooking, a little housekeeping, make my bed, wash my clothes, go to cardiac exercise and take the grandkids to their Tae Kwon Do classes. but I really don't do much else.

I just don't seem to have any ambition or motivation if you will. As I have mentioned in another post, it has taken me a long time to realize that I lost my motivation many years ago. Then with the loss of my wife of 40 years, I have nothing to focus on. I know I have dwelled on this subject a lot lately, and I need to get off of it.

I really need to get my a** in gear, take one thing needing done and go do it. Then repeat. At some point I should shake off my despondency and depression and move on with life.

God won't do it for us, but with faith in God we can do it.

God bless us all from the gahillbilly.

"(C) Copyright by Victor Winebrenner"

Looking forward to the Fourth of July.

Tomorrow is the Fourth of July and we are looking forward to it. We are going to barbecue some sausage, and have some potato salad, baked beans, and other assorted stuff.

We don't have company come very often. I think it may have to do with Claudia's condition. I think people are uncomfortable being around somebody that has to use a wheelchair. Of course it may just be because we don't socialize like we used to. It is difficult to maintain any kind of a social intercourse when Claudia is unable to travel. I can't take Claudia anywhere because I don't have a vehicle that Claudia and her power chair can get into.

Then you add to that the fact that most people's homes cannot be accessed by a person in a power chair, it becomes very difficult to visit back and forth. It's no wonder that both of us are depressed.

Life goes on, in spite of all our obstacles.

God Bless you all,

gahillbilly.