Well here it is almost 1:00 am and I am unable to sleep right now. Why? you might ask, well my mind is churning with the guilt I feel for having to place my wife in hospice. Doing so after 40 years of living together, sleeping together, arguing, discussing, and just being close by, can no longer happen. I realize I feel like a failure, because I can no longer provide the care that she needs. I just do not have the strength and the stamina any longer. I wish to God that I did. Her post polio pain has gotten worse and her strength is almost entirely gone.
With my bad heart, I could make things worse if I continued to try and care for her at home. I have been living on nitro tablets for the past month, as my angina(heart attacks) have become more frequent and more painful. My cardiologist has recommended I have another rotorooter, angioplasty and stent done on the front main heart artery to try and see if it will increase my hearts ability to pump more blood. It is a new procedure that his Heart Group has developed and apparently it has been very successful.
Back to the guilt I feel for having placed Claudia in Hospice, Claudia says she understands, and I believe she does, it is just so damn difficult having to do this.
God Bless our daughter Elizabeth and her family for their love and support through all of this.If it weren't for her family, I don't know what we would have done.
Well, I guess I have bored you enough. I think I will say goodnight.
love from the gahillbilly.
"(C) Copyright by Victor Winebrenner"
You can't forget to take care of yourself!
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