losing your confidence.

The loss of your confidence is an insidious thing. It takes place over days, weeks, months, and even years.
What is it they say, "Hindsight is 100%."


Why am I even talking about confidence? Because just today I have come to realize I lost my confidence. Just doing something as simple as fixing a meal has become almost impossible to do. Why? because I have lost my confidence.

It has been a long slow journey, as it began more years ago then I like to believe. Looking back over the years, I believe my loss of confidence began when the company I worked for, Data General in North Carolina, shut down the plant where I was working. That took place in 1989. We lived in Johnston County North Carolina which was about 45 years behind the rest of the world. The city of Raleigh, NC was only 20 miles away but it was 45 years in the future. The county where we lived did not make us welcome, we were never, ever accepted as part of the community. Our poor daughter had to go to school with people that did not make her welcome, I am so sorry for putting her through that experience.
Back to the loss of confidence, at the same time that Data General closed their plant over 100 companies also closed their plants. Johnston Counties unemployment rate went from less then 1% to over 18%. The problem only got worse, as people quit spending and more small business' closed down. At the end of 9 months the unemployment rate had climbed to 24%.
I was over 50 years old and found that people didn't want to hire me, I was over qualified and overpaid. So no matter where I applied for a job, I couldn't get one.

So, I actually went to work selling cutlery, life insurance, mobile homes, and automobiles, while I continued looking for work.

I actually averaged sending out 5 resumes a day.

Because of friends and fellow employees, who were able to find work.
I was able to get contract work designing production manufacturing fixtures, test jigs, and other assorted equipment. Those contract jobs helped a great deal in keeping us afloat.

In the meantime Claudia was able to continue working for American Airlines call center in Raleigh, and again this helped to keep us afloat. Unfortunately, neither of these things were able to keep us out of trouble with keeping our home. The mortgage payments were just too high to keep up with.

I was able to find other temporary work involving writing procedures for companies trying to qualify under the then existing Quality program ISO9001. I actually helped three different Companies become qualified for the ISO9001 quality program.

It took two years before I finally received an offer for a job I finally accepted. I almost didn't take the job, because the salary offered was 40% less then I had been making. What finally convinced me to take the job was the benefits offered by NEC Technologies. The benefits were worth another 30% and so I took the job. One big problem with taking this job was because it was over 200 miles away in another state.


At any rate this was the beginning of my loss of confidence. Taking two years to find a full time position, and then having to take a job at 40% less salary took it's toll.

Upon taking the new job which was south of Atlanta, I had to rent a room while working and thus was separated from  Claudia and Elizabeth. All the while our house was on the market for sale. We hoped to find a buyer before moving, but that didn't happen. Finally, after a year of separation I found a home to rent and moved us all down to Jonesboro, GA. The house was finally sold about six months later and we owed the bank money as the house was sold for less then we payed for it. Once again my confidence was struck another blow.

Then only 1 year after starting to work at NEC Technologies I wound up having open heart surgery with six bypasses. For more on this click here http://victors-journal.blogspot.com/2011/04/coping-with-serious-heart-condition-at.html While this operation was very successful it left me feeling rather inadequate, and it certainly didn't help me with my confidence.

Prior to these incidents, I knew there was nothing that could stop me from being successful. Looking back on all of this time, I was always able to successfully overcome or work around whatever came my way, whether it be at work or at home. I did recover from this operation and continue to work up until the year 2000 when I had a heart attack while at work causing a 40% loss of heart function. Talk about taking a blow to your confidence level, I was actually afraid to go to sleep for fear of not waking up. I was told that this was a typical reaction to a serious heart attack. If it weren't for the support of my wife and daughter and of really close friends I am not sure where I would have ended up.

We won't go into all of my attempts to earn money on the internet as in each case I wound up losing money we really couldn't afford to lose. Once again my confidence in my own abilities were shattered.


Anyway, I could go on with a further series of incidents in my life leading up to where I am now. As I stated in the beginning, my loss of confidence has been insidious.


Now that I have awakened to that fact, I am really, really looking for ways in which to rebuild my confidence.

If there is anybody out there that has some really effective methods for doing so, I am all ears.

So for now, God Bless us all.

sincerely, the gahillbilly


"(C) Copyright by Victor Winebrenner"